The Four Letter Word

The view from where I stand. Stand. Standing....sometimes, all I feel like I can do is stand. I am not speaking physically, although there have been plenty of times in the past year where I felt like literally, all I could do was stand, and even then I couldn’t do it for very long.  No,  I am talking about feeling stagnant, stuck, not able to move forward with my life. Feeling like I am just standing here letting everything pass me by.  

And this, my dear friends, brings me to that ugly, nasty, horrible, word.  The word that makes you cringe, makes you recoil in shock when heard.......that mean little "f" word that is used all too often. Fear, people, I am talking about fear.  F-E-A-R, it should be a four-letter word……well, you know what I mean. 

A couple days ago, a girl I follow on Instagram posted the question:

I sat there staring at the screen trying to think of what I would do, then I made a list of things I would NEVER do.  I wouldn't sky dive (because I actually like being alive and the thought of falling to the earth at the same mph of a speeding car just doesn't float my boat).  I wouldn’t swim with sharks (did that with dolphins in the wild and that FREAKED me out and they aren't nearly as scary as sharks). But still, I couldn’t come up with what I REALLY wanted to do if I WASN'T ruled by fear.  Then, one day it hit me. I knew what I would do. It's something I have thought about at least a dozen times in the past couple months.   I would learn to…..wait for it………SURF!  Yes, I just said surf.  (I’ll go ahead and give you a second to stop laughing and to get the image of me attempting to surf outta your head………said image had better be me with a bikini body btw).

A long time ago, about 15 years, my sister moved to Hawaii, Kona, to be exact. I needed a vacation so I packed up my up my bags and got the heck outta dodge and landed in paradise.  

That’s when my love affair with Hawaii started.  I stayed for about 3 weeks.  One of the first things we did when I got there was go to the beach.  The beach we went to (thank you dear sister) had been known for having record high waves (a man had broken his neck at that same beach later that same day).  Now, a little preface here about me. I didn’t grow up at the beach beach. I grew up with a cabin, on the lake, in the woods. Our cabin had a beach but lakes don't have waves, unless you make them yourself by going around in circles in the boat.  I had very rarely ever been to the real beach and I knew nothing of the strength of the waves.  I did not know the cardinal rule about the ocean, which is, NEVER EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON IT.  

So, imagine, little ole’ me walking out into the surf, enjoying the sand beneath my toes (and that’s a lie because I cant stand sand beneath my toes), breathing in the salty sea air, bending over to look at seashells that had washed up and just being happy, curious, and at peace….when all of the sudden, BOOM! I was hit!!! Hit so hard by the biggest wave I had ever seen (that I never really even saw)  It. Took. Me. Down. I remember my face being scraped along the dirty, wet, stupid sand. It grabbed on to me and pulled me out a little. I was so freaked out I could barely stand up, let alone catch my breath once it washed away. Then, BOOM! I was hit AGAIN! This time it pulled me under and I felt like I was being swirled around and then I slammed into the ground one more time. Eventually, after what seemed like hours, days even (it was like 20 seconds), I was able to frantically get up and clumsily make my way to dry sand. I laid down and just hugged the earth, very quickly forgetting the hatred I had for sand, all while thanking my lucky stars that I made it out alive. Meanwhile, my sister, who was standing over me said, “Hey, you’re not supposed to turn your back on the waves……”  Gee, thanks Sis, that info would have been more useful to me BEFORE I had been pummeled and almost dragged to my death!  (I have often been told I am quite dramatic….huh, I don’t see it.)

      

At any rate I was so terrified of the ocean after that for the rest of my time (life) in beautiful Hawaii I sat on the beach.  SAT ON THE BEACH. We went to a lot of different beaches, some with green sand. (Let's not go into the story about how I was carrying a very LARGE umbrella to get to that beach and the wind was so strong it nearly swept me off a cliff. Not kidding. My brother-in-law had to help me. Heaven forbid I let go of the gigantic umbrella and let if fly off into oblivion....cause that would have been tragic.) We went to black sand beaches and white sand beaches. And what did I do? I just sat there and watched my sister frolic in the waves thinking there has to be more to do here than just going to the beach. All the while, I just cooked in the sand, like literally, I walked away with horrible sunburns (hence the umbrella). I have been back a couple times  since and I let my fear take over again and I just sat on the beach while my whole family (kids included) played in the waves.  It's actually quite ironic that Hawaii is my favorite place on Earth, despite the fact I almost died there....twice (oh, and the fact that I hate sand and being in the ocean and all.) 

So this year, as I have been dealing with this physical pain that has made it hard to do much of anything I have thought about Hawaii many times. I have thought about how I just sat there and watched everyone else have the time of their lives all because of a fear I had that started more than 12 years before. And I decided that I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want be to be afraid of the ocean, or the waves. I don’t want to be afraid of  my life and how its going to turn out. I don't want to be afraid of doing things that are uncomfortable.   For instance, like starting a blog and revealing my inner most self that I have tried to hide my whole existence. 

I don’t want to be afraid  of healing from my back pain. I know it sounds dumb but for a long time there was a fear of healing because that would mean I would have to take action in my life, and do things that I wasn’t sure I could do, (still not sure I can do them, but dang, I want to try). Afraid of being vulnerable, of letting go, of hanging on. I am done. Done, done, done.   And maybe it isn’t so much that I am done being afraid, but it is more that  I am done letting the fear I have prevent me from playing in the ocean and riding the waves. (Pun intended)  A funny thing happens when the circumstances in your life prevent you from living. It makes you reevaluate the kind of living you want to do.  And I want to be a gnarly surfer chick. (Again, go ahead and laugh it out, I'll wait....)                                                                                                                                                          

So this is it folks. This is the declaration: I WILL learn to surf within one years time …..uh, maybe three years time, yes, give me three years.  BLAST. Out with you fear. OK, OK one year...and a half. (Do you see what goes on in my head?) 

Whether it be in Hawaii.

Or  Bora Bora, although doesn't look like there are too many waves goin' on there.  I'll just have them get in a boat and go around in circles till I can catch one.

OR Provo Beach Resort. Yep, thats gonna be me, fancy footwork and everything. (Seriously, stop laughing) 

One more thing. Fear is not an easy thing to let go of. If anything, I have learned that every single day I have to let go. Sometimes, of the same fears that I let go of yesterday, and the day before, and the ones I let go of ten times the day before that.  I have to condition my mind and my thinking to not give into those fearful/depressing/take you down kind of thoughts. I have felt like I failed so often because I would let go of something and it would pop up again if I was feeling vulnerable, tired, or defeated. That's the AMAZING part of this process. With each "failure", I learn.  I learn what triggers me, what steps I need to take to get me out of the line of fire, and most importantly that even if I give in to those thoughts just one more time, I can pull myself out of them, just one more time.

One day, maybe I will be fearless, and when that happens, by George, look out!!