Why is it so hard to be who we are? Who we truly are deep down inside. And even more, why is it so hard to actually know who we are underneath all the labels. For instance, I spend so much time trying to cover up what I think are the flaws about myself, so that you don't see them. And probably, even more, so that I don't see them. I seriously put so much energy into trying to be "perfect" on the outside, that I don't even know who I am on the inside anymore.
When I was little I always wanted to be a writer. I would write stories and poems all the time. Somewhere along the way I lost that passion and desire. It wasn't until recently that I started having this nagging feeling to write and I remembered just how much I love doing it.
However, as I expose myself to you through my writing, I worry about offending or saying the wrong thing. Or coming across like I am an idiot. I edit so many freaking times (crap should I change the word "freaking"?) for grammatical errors and sentence structure that it starts to drive me crazy and I start to lose meaning in the words. I worry about my word choice and how I phrase things and change it so many times that I start to lose the authenticity that makes it me. All because I want it to be perfect. I want ME to be perfect in YOUR eyes.
Perfect...perfection, they can be such ugly words. Why does being perfect seem so appealing (to me anyway)? I have always been obsessed with perfection. Perfection in so many things that didn't even matter. My house always had to be spotless. We are talking, SPOTLESS, with a capital everything (which isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it consumes you and yeah, it consumed me). My kids always had to be perfectly behaved, because, after all, I am the perfect parent. Well, in case you missed the memo, it's impossible for a five and eight year old to behave perfectly all the time. Oh and I am so far from being a perfect parent it's scary (Crap, should I have said that? Someone is probably going to call CPS on me... just sitting here waiting for the doorbell to ring....trembling.)
The scary thing about perfection is that is actually prevents us from being who we truly are. It causes us to change, depending on who we are with. It prevents us from sharing our struggles and challenges with those who may just need to hear them (and believe me, I would love to hear about your struggle with perfectionism so that I don't feel like I am a crazy lady.) And for me, it prevents me from knowing who I am, deep down inside. It makes me feel confused about how I should be feeling about certain things. Because a perfect person doesn't get angry and a perfect person is always confident (ha, what the heck does confident even mean?). It makes it hard to actually feel the emotion that I have in the moment that I have it (which could be beneficial if my anger is directed at you), and I have learned that suppressed, unfelt emotions always come back to haunt you.
So, what if those flaws that I see are really what make me who I am? Wouldn't you rather know and love a person who isn't perfect? Isn't it easier to relate to someone who makes mistakes, who has a messy house, who sometimes puts a comma where it shouldn't be or has an over abundant amount of run-on sentences (damn commas and run-ons are the bane of my writing existence). Or someone who says "damn" every once in a while? That may be taking it too far for some people. And I guess if it is, then that's ok. My intention here is not to offend or to push away, but to say what I think in the way that I think it, not the way that I feel you should read it.
So, I guess what I am saying is this is me. I'm just a girl trying to figure things out and in the process heal my body, my mind, and my spirit. Nice to meet you. You can take me, or leave me. But just know one thing, I'm not..... I'm not per......I'm not perfec.........I'm. Not. Perfect. Eeesh, that was painful.
I'm dealing with some perfect people that are dear to me. They once lived lives that weren't perfect and that's when we were the closest.
ReplyDeleteI also know people who I've never known to not be perfect. I tend to not spend much time with them due to their insanity. They will have situations happen and put it away somewhere to keep their perfect world in order. The times I can relate is being in fear of situations getting worse to the point of horrible violence, but to do it in order to keep your perfect world in a way you wish to perceive it doesn't keep those who you share the planet with from seeing what just happened.
Pardon my crassness, but all the perfectionists may want to not give a shit of being perfect to everyone and scream to the universe "fuck it, I'm not perfect! I'll do my best but I'm not perfect!" I can always take a big breath after saying that when things get a wee bit overwhelming. Don't let them or you get the best of yuh. Keep it real :) Good luck you beautiful imperfect person.
My imperfect friend, I love you so much! Knowing some of your imperfections, quarks, and struggles I value and trust you more then I ever have over our 25 years of friendship. I love that we are past all that superficial crap of trying to look good for each other. I think if people were more Authentic we could all have more deep and meaningful relationships. I'm not sure where it was that society has taught us to keep our hurts, our battles, our struggles so secret. You know that I struggle with my own demons of "being perfect" in certain things. I think owning the fact that we aren't prefect is apart of accepting and loving ourselves for who we really are, imperfectly beautiful human beings! I think Rob is right on, I"m not perfect but I"ll do my best! It's exactly what I teach my kids. I don't expect them to be perfect but I do expect them to do their best and that's all I should expect from myself. Love you to the moon and back sister!!!!!
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