This is Me.......

Have you ever wondered who you are? Like, who you REALLY REALLY are? Who you are deep deep down, underneath all the "I am a daughter, sister, mother, friend, crazy person" stuff.  I have wondered that a lot in the past little bit.  And I am not sure I liked what I came up with.  I had a very hard realization when I realized that... 

 This is me. This is who I am……wait….I am 35 years old and STILL trying to figure out who the hell I am.  Who am I? Who do I want to be? And how am I going to get there?  All questions I ask myself probably 10 times a day.  There have been a series of events that have lead me to ask these questions on a daily basis.  All of them PERSONAL to me.  Events that have forever changed my life and helped me to recognize the things inside me that I want to change, that I NEED to change.  I look back at who I was for so long and I LITERALLY cringe.  Not that I was a bad person by any means. I never broke the law, I tried to be kind and nice to everyone, I always did what I thought to be right and good.  In fact, just the other day my dad said to me, "Ericka, you were always a goodie-two-shoes", which, for the most part, is true.  We won't tell mom and dad about the rebellious, well, I can't even say years but minutes? Hours?? Definitely. But there are so many things I wish I could go back and change about who I was, because those things have  lead me down a path that I NEVER thought I would go down. 

 A path that I can honestly say has taken me to HELL and back.  Have you ever been to hell?  I am sure most of you, if not all of you have.  I have been many many times.  In the past year and a half I have experienced the kind of physical pain (HELL) that makes you wish you were dead, almost EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  Dead dead dead. Constant, unending, when will this EVER stop (IT WILL NEVER STOP) nerve pain, muscle pain, bone pain, back pain, hip pain, leg pain.  Pain that made it hard to walk, hard to take care of my kids,  hard to cheer them on at soccer games. And the worst part, hard to take them to do the fun things I want them to experience and that I want to experience WITH them.   Life really really really REALLY SUCKS when you physically can’t be the mom you want to be.  (Can I get an amen?!) 

 Along this path of pain (physical and emotional, but we’ll talk about the emotional causes another day) I have learned things about myself. Things that I really didn't like, things that made me feel like I wasn’t living up to my potential all the time. I lived with the feeling that I was letting myself (and others) down for so so long. SO LONG. Things that made me feel ashamed about how I had acted or behaved in a certain situation.  If only I could go back….if I could go back and realize THEN  that I CAN change. That I CAN fix those things about myself that I knew I didn’t like but didn’t think I could do anything about, my life would be very different right now.  After all, “This is me, this is who I am” was my thinking, my belief. My BELIEF.  

However, I am where I am today.  Everything that has happened has, well, happened.  I can’t go back.  The only thing I can do is to take those things that I know I don’t like about myself and change them NOW.  I don’t have to be that person who lets people down, who doesn’t live up to my potential, who feels badly all the time.  I have learned a funny thing about beliefs over the past little bit. They can change.  YOU can change them. I CAN change them. I no longer have to believe that I am who I am and YOU all  have to live with it. (I know, I am a little late to the party.)  I can CHANGE who I am, to be who I WANT to be. I can be someone who makes others happy. Who loves with an open heart and doesn't hold back. (Sounds cheesy, right? I know, I think so too. Just wait for my post about loving and living with an open heart...man, have I learned a ton about that.)   Who lives up to my potential, who puts myself out there to meet new people, starts a new business, has happy, loving relationships with everyone around me. I can be successful, independent, and HEALTHY. (I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!)

 I have read so many books on how to change my thinking (if you want a list I will send you a list). I have started meditating along with prayer, that alone has changed my life and helped me to connect with who I want to be on a deeper level. It has brought me closer to God and has helped me to stay grounded in a turbulent time.   

I have sought out advice and counsel from those who have learned how to do this before me (by "this" I mean changing one's thoughts, mindset and limiting beliefs). And I have tried over and over again to change those beliefs that have held me back.  It has not been an easy process….for me or those who have to listen  when I am frustrated, or confused, or feel like giving up (which kind of happens a lot…. A LOT. Belief changing is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you).

 I will never be perfect. There will always be something I can strive harder for, be better at, and learn more of. It's a never ending (and can we just  say exhausting at times) process, but for the first time in a very long time I am excited about who I CAN be. Hell, who I ALREADY am. (Did I just say that out loud?)

 I still have physical pain, but that is getting better, and my belief that it will last forever is NO MORE!!!!  I am healthy….let me say that one more time, I AM HEALTHY!  And I am grateful. So so grateful. For everything that has led me to this point, as painful as it has been, both physically and emotionally. I am proud for as many times as I looked the Devil in his eyes and told him to “get the bleepity bleep bleep bleep outta my head” and didn't give in to the negative, self defeating thoughts (and let's just be honest here, there have been plenty of times that I gave into those bad, bad thoughts).  

I have learned a great deal about gratitude and how important it is to be grateful for EVERYTHING. Not JUST the good, but the bad. Not just the peace, but the pain. Not just the pretty, but the UGLY (and you haven't seen ugly till you've seen me wallowing in my own self-pity for days at a time). Not just the lesson learned, but the path I've had to take to learn that lesson.  I am grateful for the strength I realized that I have.  And for ALL the opportunities I have been given to grow and change.

 And ESPECIALLY grateful for all the people who have helped me along this journey, who have listened to me, who have supported me, who have told me what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it (even though I didn't WANT to hear it). For those  who have held my hand, wiped my tears, and hugged me tight (and when I say wipe my tears I mean that metaphorically speaking because that…. would just be awkward).   Having an amazing support group makes all the difference in the world.  And I just happen to have the best!! 

I have no idea what this blog will be about in the future.  Mostly, it's probably just for me. I have to write/talk about what I learn in order to process it.  You are welcome to follow  as I try to make sense of, and figure out where I am headed.  It's bound to be an interesting ride.