New Normal.

I have to create new normals in order to not let myself go #batshitcray. Like, every day. If I held myself to the standard I held myself to before I was in pain I would have lost it a long time ago. We’re talking major woo-woo here. I’m actually pretty impressed with myself that I’ve held it together this long. 

Seriously, go me. 

I have HAD to learn the value of acknowledging and accepting my limits. LIMITS. (Limits can suck it). 

Hi, my name is Ericka, and I…………….have……………………limits. (brrreeaattthhheeeeee) 

Still so hard to say. I don’t want to be limited in my movement, in my abilities, in my activity. I want to be able to do the laundry in two hours. I want to be able to clean my own house (is that weird? That I want to clean my own house? Oh, how I do. I’d clean your house too, if I could.) 

I want to go hiking and exploring and get lost in the mountains. I want to travel with my kids and watch them experience all kinds of life. I want to have a job. Go for a run. Do hot yoga.  I want to feel like I have a purpose, like I am not just sitting around waiting for my life to be able to happen. THE STRUGGLE. (brrrreeeaaatttthhheeeeeeeee)

I have been through a huge transformation. I have shed the outer layers….the selves that used to be me; gave them the old heave ho, they were ready to go. I have changed my thinking. I have changed so many beliefs. I have learned how to love myself. I have healed from heartbreak. I have healed the self deprication; the part of me that told me I was unworthy and other such bullshit. I have healed and changed so much. If you knew the me I was even 2 years ago, you would see it.

The frustration lies in the fact that I have been able to heal so many deep emotional wounds. I have been able to change so much about my Being…..but I haven’t been able to heal the pain. The physical pain. It’s still there. Every day. If I’m being totally honest, she's really starting to put a damper on things. Like, I get it. I’ve let her teach me, I’ve let her change me, I’ve let her open my heart and my mind to bigger and better things….I GET IT. You can move on now. I am forever changed; and dare I say I’m grateful, for that part of it. But seriously, get the hell out. #movealongbitch (That's my pet name for her; the pain that is)

There are places I want to see and things I want to do. I have a desire to live; I never had that before. Before, I was content to stay in my little bubble. To do what I had always done; what I was supposed to do. I did that, I did it good. But now, I’m ready to break free. I’m ready to burst out of that bubble   

In my mind I have this vision of the part of me that is aching to live, to adventure, to explore-breaking free from the part of me that physically can’t, and leaving it the hell behind. 

I am not happy about having limits. It’s aggravating. Imagine being trapped inside a glass box with no way out and the box is placed where you get to watch as the people around you live their lives. Where they do all the things you so desperately want to do. Even things you don’t necessarily want to do, like bend over and pick up a piece of trash, carry all the groceries out on one arm, walk without pain. (Is that asking too much?)  You see and feel all these things you want to do, but yet you can't get out of the box to participate. It’s like a prison. In hell. While The Debil laughs in your face. (Ok, that may be a touch dramatic, but do you feeeeeel me?) 

I guess that’s all I want. Is for people to understand. I don’t know why. I don’t know why it’s important for me that people get it. Maybe it’s because I am still struggling to understand it myself. I don’t. I don’t know why it started, or even how it started, or why it’s still there. And why there are no answers. And why every “solution” I try fails. FRUSTRATION. 

Anyway, for now, I have my new normals. I know my limits and I am taking care of myself by following those. It may sound like I have given up hope, but I haven’t. I’m holding on and I’m holding out…..for that one day when I will live. Like, really, really live.