I was having a very real conversation the other day with a dear friend about the word can’t.  I’m not talking about the can't where you can’t live your life to the fullest or you can’t be successful at your job if you work hard or you can’t have true happiness.  I am talking about the can’t that you can’t control. The can’t that exists because of the circumstances in your life, the lives of those around you, or your own body.  The can’t that comes from having two jobs just to survive and still not having enough money to go spend on those cute pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing. The can’t that comes from not being able to get pregnant after years and years of trying. The can’t that comes from having to take care of someone close to you who can’t take care of themselves. The can’t that comes from physically being incapable to do certain things that you want/need to do. Those kinds of cants.

For me, my can’t is pain. 

It’s hard to explain three and a half years of pain to someone who hasn’t ever experienced chronic pain. Three and a half years of nonstop, every. single. day.  in some form or another, ranging in degree, want to put a gun to your head, nerve pain, bone pain, muscle pain, spine pain, whole body pain. Pain that goes unexplained at every doctor visit, every MRI, every blood test, and nerve test. Pain that gets worse with every protocol that is supposed to help.  Pain that makes it hard to bend over, do laundry, grocery shop, not only sit on a bench to watch my kid play basketball but walk to the gym where my kid plays to be able to watch him play basketball.  

My physical can’t is that I can’t bend over to pick something up, be the mom I so desperately want to be, go dancing with my friends, take trips with my boys, go hiking; hell, go to the mall to buy a new pair of jeans. It is physically impossible for me to accomplish those tasks when I am hurting so badly or when my back decides that today would be a good day to lock up and stop working. 

MOTHER FUCKING PAIN. (Pretty much how I feel about it by now….if I am being honest).

I have accepted it….for now.  I don’t wake up every morning anymore expecting it to be better or different. I know it will be there and I know I will have to work my day around it. I accept, that in this moment, I am dealing with chronic pain, but at the same time I maintain hope and a belief that it will get better. 

ACCEPTANCE. 

Somehow having this mentality makes it easier on the days when it is hard to do much of anything.  Some days I can accomplish things like laundry and grocery shopping and taking my kids to the trampoline park, the rec center, or going to dinner with my friends. Those days I go to bed feeling rather accomplished and good about all I was able to do.  And other days, all I can manage is picking up my boys from school and the bare minimum. THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. That’s no way to be a mom. Or live your life. 

The bare minimum has a way of messing with your head. You start to feel like you are incapable, insignificant, and worthless when all you can do in a day is a couple loads of laundry or empty the dishwasher. You fight thoughts that say that your boys would be better off without you, that your family would be better off not worrying about you, that your friends would be better off not getting the ‘I can’t do this/how am I supposed to do this???’ texts. It’s pretty defeating and leads to feelings of inadequacy. Most of the time I feel utterly useless….if I am being honest. 

I am a believer in mind over matter. That if your mind can think it and your heart can want it, you can have it.  I also know that in order to make your dreams happen you must take action. You can’t just sit around waiting for them to come to you. Which is what I’ve done for a good part of the last three years, due to the fact that I have felt immobilized, paralyzed at times even.  That has to be one of the most frustrating things for me. Knowing that my life can be everything I want it to be, but not being able to physically do the things I so desperately want to do to make it so.  

For now, I can’t change my circumstances. I can’t magically make my back heal and my pain go away. Although, Dear God I pray for that everyday. For relief. For an answer. For a solution.  All I can do is accept that this is where I’m at right now. I don’t have to like it and I can’t control it. It is what it is. 

What I can do is get up every day, get ready, and live my life to the best of my ability. I can take responsibility for my own happiness and even though I can’t experience life to the degree that I wish I could, I can make the most of every situation I am given, with my kids, with my friends, with my health, with my circumstances.  I can be grateful for the things I can do even on the days when getting out of bed feels like the biggest feat on earth, physically and emotionally. I can let go of the way I think my life SHOULD be and learn to love it for what it is and I can continue to take steps towards finding solutions to my pain AND towards building a career that I can do from my couch. I can show my boys that instead of giving up I show up and I make it through yet another day, even if it means asking for help. 

I deserve help. And I’m learning how to use my voice to ask for it. But that’s a whole 'nother post.

I have two options in this scenario called Life. I can give in to the negative, depressing, ‘woe is me’ thoughts and be miserable on top of being in pain (and I do that…don’t think that I don’t). OR I can choose to do my best e'ryday.  Despite the pain, despite my circumstances, despite the can’ts (I do that too).  I can choose to be okay with the fact that my best today may be hugely different and maybe not as productive as my best was yesterday. Choosing the latter is not only standing up for myself but it's taking responsibility for my own happiness and not allowing my CANT'S to dictate my CAN'S.  It's also the only way to get out of this crazy thing we call Life...........alive.